


Flapping Your Wings

by Dramaticdragon



Series: ADHD!!! on Ice [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ADHD Character, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Hand Flapping, M/M, Stimming, Viktor has ADHD, adhd masking, minor insecurities but dw yuuri is here to help, thats it thats the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26465740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaticdragon/pseuds/Dramaticdragon
Summary: Viktor spent so long forcing himself not to physically stim, he sort of... forgot how to let himself stim. But in the safe space that is "Yuuri Katsuki", he might start to let himself.(yes this is me projecting on to Viktor, once again)
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Series: ADHD!!! on Ice [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923961
Comments: 15
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so heres the less artsy summary:  
> I have ADHD, was diagnosed at age 18, so uhhh i really didn't mentally assosiate myself with being neurodivergent for quite the hot minute. It was hard to essentially "re learn" things like stimming that are helpful for my ADHD, so uhh TIME TO PROJECT ON TO MY COMFORT CHARACTER VIKTOR NIKIFOROV.
> 
> also i'm literally posting this while at my lecture because i just finished writing before class lol

While Viktor would try to argue and lie to himself, that yes, he was still a spring chicken… it wasn’t always the truth. He was, believe it or not, older. Now officially in his thirties. Oof. And there were many saying associated with age that Viktor was having trouble arguing with.

“Old habits die hard.”

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

And so on.

This included the “old habits” he wasn’t fond of.

After years and years of acting a certain way in front of everyone, to the point where he forgot what his natural state was, “faking it” became a more natural state to him. He heard it called “masking”, when doctors said it. Having a diagnosis as late teen wasn’t helpful, either, because Viktor had already internalized just about everything. Even when he wasn’t in front of cameras, and just among rinkmates, he still put on the same show he did for the flashing lights.

You have to smile a certain way, use your hands to speak only when appropriate, talk at whatever volume those speaking to you use, always appear like you know what you’re doing, do not ramble, and of the utmost importance: under no circumstances, never, _ever_ fidget.

“Stimming”, as he later heard it referred to. It was an interesting concept. He knew the word, and associated it with people who were “different” (he never thought down on them, necessarily, but simply didn’t associate with “different”). It was a weird disconnect: He didn’t particularly mind when another person around him was neuro-divergent, and stimmed, or fidgeted. He considered it unprofessional in front of a camera, sure, but he wasn’t entirely convinced that wasn’t just latent Yakov-speak in his brain.

No, fidgeting was not for Viktor Nikiforov. Viktor was a composed, star child of athleticism. His composure was something to aspire to.

Again, this carried into his daily habits as well, not just on camera. He would never clap his hands in response to a startling noise, despite how much he wanted. Never flapped his hands when excited to talk about a surprising new theme. Never patted his legs when thinking hard. He wanted to, sometimes desperately, but was so trained against it, that he wasn’t sure he knew how to do those things if he actually allowed himself to.

Now, cut to Yuuri. Yuuri, who was far more understanding and open-minded to “different” types of minds. Apparently, it was something that ran in the family, so he was far from uneducated about these things, at least in regards to anxiety. Yuuri didn’t necessarily stim in the ways someone with ADHD might, but he did have his own “unorthodox” calming methods. But even still, if you weren’t really paying attention to it, his “calming breathing technique” could be easily mistaken as someone who was just a deep breather. People were deep breathers sometimes. People don’t just “flap” sometimes.

Yuuri wanted Viktor to be truly himself around Yuuri.

Viktor wanted to be too.

So, in a weird, convoluted way, he wasn’t _technically_ lying when he repressed his natural desire to stim when he was around Yuuri. Because, if you recall, he had internalized repressing them so much, that it came far too naturally. At this point, it _was_ the true Viktor.

But, ultimately, Viktor knew that to be a lie, too.

\---

Yuuri sat in bed with Viktor, covers up to their thighs as they sat up watching the laptop screen on Yuuri’s lap.

“So I was thinking, if we had something like a medley with this song-” Yuuri says, stopping momentarily to click another link and play a new song, “-I could use the transitional parts as a ‘slow down’ sequence, in the middle, to build up to a big finale, kind of like the traditional Carmen medleys did. Plus, I think the end of this song has a really good potential for jumps that line well with the music…”

Yuuri continued talking, and Viktor was so happy to listen to Yuuri’s ideas. Hard to believe that Yuuri used to be so convinced to let coaches pick his songs and routines, when clearly his mind is overflowing with brilliant ideas.

Viktor was like a leech to excitement, getting riled up in it all himself. This always happened when they talked about music for skating routines. Viktor was so genuinely excited to hear Yuuri’s ideas, listen to the music, and add his own thoughts to the mixture, too.

This level of excitement was dangerous, however.

Viktor was consciously aware of his body trying to work against him. He could feel himself forcing down his hands into his lap as he added “Oh, what if you did a Biellman during the rift here!”, when they clearly wanted to wave in the air. He had to manually tell himself not to smack at his thighs when he thought of an idea, to make sure he didn’t interrupt Yuuri as he spoke. Those were the hardest, because he had to make sure he listened to what Yuuri said, and also focus on not smacking his legs in his excitement (mixed in with effort to keep himself from interrupting). It was a difficult experience, but far from Viktor’s first rodeo.

He did notice, though, over the many months of living with Yuuri, now living in Russia, it was getting… a bit more difficult than expected. Perhaps it was easier in Japan, because Viktor always felt watched by Yuuri’s family. Far from a negative, but still something there to forcefully motivate him to be “normal”. But now, it was just them. Makkachin wasn’t even in the room with them, so it was quite literally _just_ them. And Viktor felt so, so safe around Yuuri. A blessing, of course, to have someone like that; but a curse as well, because his inhibitions were lowering, and he felt like he could slip at any moment.

He knew, logically, Yuuri wouldn’t think less of him for it. For many reasons. Yuuri loved Viktor, loved him very much. Yuuri knew Viktor had ADHD. Yuuri knew what ADHD was. Yuuri even was caught googling information about ADHD, since Viktor himself wasn’t entirely educated, and wanted to learn more. Thus, Yuuri knew what “stimming” was, and likely expected it even.

But… The disconnect was still there. Viktor knew stimming and ADHD were a pair deal. But somehow, he kept convincing himself it wasn’t like that for himself. Everyone _else_ with ADHD could stim, sure, no biggie. But Viktor… Maybe it was spending so long not knowing he had ADHD, that his mind still told him that he didn’t have it. Or couldn’t have it?

But the dam was soon broken.

“Oh, I also wanted to show you something I thought about for the exhibition skate! I know it’s cheesy and not entirely original, but… I was thinking something of an homage? A mixture of some of your best performances?”

“You want to skate to a medley of my songs?!” Viktor gasped, hands suddenly flying up from his thighs into the air, near his chest, fingers sprawled out. He waved them one single time, right as he finished his sentence, before catching himself, and froze.

His sudden shift from “ohmygosh!” to “uh oh” must have been visible to Yuuri, who looked concerned.

“Viktor? You okay?” He asked, lowering his voice only slightly.

“Mhm!” Viktor nodded quickly, forcing his hands back into his lap, hands folded together, “I love that idea!”

Yuuri was quiet for a moment, clearly processing what just happened.

“Did you have songs you particularly wanted to use?” Viktor asked, trying to cut off Yuuri’s thought process.

“Vitya,” Yuuri said anyway, not falling for Viktor’s tricks any more, “Why did you look so worried for a moment there?”

Viktor didn’t like lying to Yuuri. Really and truly, it left a sour taste in his mouth. But he didn’t have the luxury to think out what he wanted to say, when he was panicked, pressured, and stared at.

“I’m not worried, what do you mean?” He asks, regretting it immediately. Another old habit that is hard to die- lying to compensate.

Yuuri was again quiet, for both his own benefit and Viktor’s. Both of their minds weren’t… _great_ , when under quick pressure, it seemed. Yuuri’s for the pressure of a competition, and Viktor’s for conversational pressure. What a pair they make, huh…

“Viktor, are you lying to me?” Yuuri asks. It’s not confrontational, not angry, not even annoyed. It’s just asking, as if he asked if they had milk.

Viktor was quiet for a moment, at least having the sense not to compensate-lie once more.

“Yeah.” He answered. Easier than the explanation he knew Yuuri was about to ask for.

“Can you tell me why?”

See, Viktor is practically psychic with these things.

Frankly, he didn’t feel pressured from Yuuri at the moment. He used the same tactics on Yuuri when Yuuri felt panic rising inside- simple questions, usually yes or no, to ease your way into harder ones. If the harder ones didn’t work, go back to specific yes or no ones. As simple as it sounds, the method had yet to fail them.

Viktor chewed on his tongue for a moment. It helped him think.

“Was it about your hands moving?” Yuuri asked, after a long enough gap of quiet.

Viktor nodded.

“Were you trying to flap them?” Yuuri asked.

Yes or no questions are wonderful things.

Viktor nodded again, this time slower.

“Are you embarrassed about that?” Yuuri asked.

Nod, again.

“Can you tell me why?” Yuuri repeated the earlier question.

Viktor adjusted his legs for a moment, then nodded.

“It’s a weird thing to do, don’t you think?” Viktor mumbled.

“Not really.” Yuuri said simply.

“It’s annoying.” Viktor argued.

“To you?”

“No, to you.”

“Well,” Yuuri said with a smile, “I have great news for you, I’m not annoyed.”

Viktor stared at Yuuri for a moment. How dare he be so darn sweet while Viktor is having an emotional crisis over here.

“Do you stop yourself from doing that often?”

Ah, back to the yes or no’s, old faithful.

Viktor waited a moment, then nodded.

“Even when it’s just us?”

Nod.

“And do you stop yourself because of what I might think?”

Viktor paused for a moment.

“…Mostly?”

“What’s the smaller part, then?”

“I think…” Viktor started, “I got so used to not doing it… I forgot how to do it properly.”

“To stim properly, you mean?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor nodded.

“Is there a ‘proper’ way, though?” Yuuri asked.

Viktor shrugged.

“I don’t know,” He said, “Maybe? I just… don’t really know how to do it, without stopping myself.”

Yuuri nodded, listening.

“Do you think you’d feel better if you stopped trying to stop it? Even for just at home?” Yuuri asked.

Again, Viktor shrugged.

“Do you feel embarrassed because you think it’s ‘weird’?”

“I think so?” Viktor answered, “I think… part of me is embarrassed there’s something ‘wrong’ with me, but at this point… I’m embarrassed that I’m 30 and I don’t know how to flap my hands, something that even babies know how to do.”

“It’s never going to be a ‘wrong’ way, if it makes you feel good,” Yuuri said, a serious tone to his calming voice, “Please don’t tell yourself to stop something that makes you feel better, just because you’re not a gold medalist in it.”

Viktor chuckled a little at that.

“Can you promise me to try to let yourself be my Viktor when we’re at home?” Yuuri asked.

Ah, that traitor. He often used ‘ _My Viktor_ ’ as the term for the ‘real Viktor’, which so far has a 100% success rate of melting Viktor’s heart.

Viktor nodded.

“I don’t think I can do it tonight, though, I’m already thinking about it so much.” Viktor said, knowing at this point he would just be forcing himself to ‘stim’, as if a performance.

Yuuri nodded.

“Well, why don’t we listen to some music again, and see how that goes?”

Viktor smiled, and nodded back. For once, he wasn’t so scared to stim…


	2. He stims

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor finally manages to let lose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is less good but do i care? not at all lol

Sometimes, around Yuuri, Viktor felt that his thought process was reverted down to a much more “childlike” manner. Not that he lost any intelligence or anything, but things just seemed… simpler, sometimes. If Yuuri was smiling, it made Viktor feel giddy inside, and there wasn’t any dramatic, drawn-out mental poetry- instead, just an inner child giggling back.

Yuuri claimed to love it when Viktor felt relaxed enough to be “childish” around him.

One day, while Viktor was sitting on the couch, focused in on his laptop (who knew coaching involved so much paperwork?!), Yuuri surprised him with a special gift.

“The grocery store was having a buy-one-get-one on those protein drinks by the produce, so I got you your favorite flavor!” Yuuri announced, placing the bottle on the coffee table.

Viktor happily threw his laptop to the end of the couch and grabbed the drink. Yuuri was so thoughtful!

“Thank you!” He said, quickly unscrewing the top to take a big swig. Ah, that really was the best flavor they had! Yuuri may think the blueberry one was the best, but he was allowed to be wrong sometimes.

The mixture of his favorite taste, along with the pleasant feeling of a sweet surprise from his sweet Yuuri, quickly filled Viktor up with that giddy feeling again. He put the drink back on the table, and before he could even register it to stop himself, Viktor felt his hands coming back up to flap quickly in front of his chest.

He realized it after it begun, however, and quickly glanced over to Yuuri. For what? Approval, perhaps?

And approval he received- Yuuri’s eyes lit up, and his own hands raised to clasp together in excitement. It was clear in Yuuri’s face, he was happy that Viktor felt safe enough to do this.

And suddenly, Viktor realized he couldn’t stop the next wave of flaps if he tried. It wasn’t just the small burst he had from the drink, it was so much more. Yuuri wasn’t weirded out, not at all- he seemed to _want_ Viktor to do this, and Yuuri’s smile made Viktor’s heart soar.

For just a moment, they seemed to be cycling their positive emotions to each other. Viktor was so happy that Yuuri looked at him like that, and it caused his body to physically show that excitement, to which Yuuri would smile even wider.

Quickly, though, the excitement got to Viktor’s head.

He quickly (but gently) slapped his hands over his face, in a sort of “hiding” position, covering his ear-to-ear grin. At this point, he was even humming quietly, one long drawn out high pitched note.

“Viktor?” Yuuri asked, suddenly concerned that Viktor had suddenly hid. Viktor felt the couch dip, meaning Yuuri was sitting next to him now.

“Can I see you?” Yuuri asked, gently peeling off the hand closest to his side.

Viktor nodded, lowering both hands to his chin, still grinning wide.

“You okay?” Yuuri asked, voice much more relaxed now that he saw Viktor’s smile.

Viktor nodded vigorously, throwing his bangs around in the process.

“’M happy,” He mumbled against his hands.

“I’m happy too,” Yuuri said, with quiet wonder in his voice.

“It felt really nice,” Viktor said after a moment to calm down. The overwhelming feeling had simmered to a smaller giddiness once more.

“I bet,” Yuuri giggled, moving his hand down to hold Viktor’s forearm, “Thank you for sharing that with me.”

Viktor nodded vigorously again.

“Thank _you_ …” He said, leaning forward to headbump Yuuri’s shoulder, “I don’t… think I’ve ever done that before.”

“It seemed like you got more excited once you started.” Yuuri observed.

“Yeah,” Viktor agreed, “I think, because you looked so happy… You make _me_ happy, Yuuri.”

Yuuri sighed softly in response, moving his arms to hold Viktor close to him.

“You make me so happy, too, Viktor…” Yuuri said quietly, “I’m glad you feel that way.”

They sat together in silence for a moment, Viktor’s one-note humming long since dying down.

“Is it… okay if I do it more often?” Viktor asked. It felt weird to ask permission, especially since it was a function of his own body, but he still wanted to hear Yuuri’s encouragement.

“ _Of course_!” Yuuri said, giving Viktor a hefty squeeze, “I said I wanted _my_ Viktor, so I want all of my Viktor… Everything he has to offer.”

Viktor squeezed back, gently rocking the two of them side to side.

“I liked seeing you so excited,” Yuuri said, “It makes me excited, too.”

Viktor was happy to hear that. He was so used to holding it all back… To be _asked_ to be true to himself, even things he thought were ‘weird’…

“I love you, Yuuri,” Viktor hummed softly against Yuuri’s shoulder.

“I love you too, Viktor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will write more adhd fics one day if anyone wants lol

**Author's Note:**

> every character i like has ADHD


End file.
